The Starving Games (2013) Review by Liam O’Connor

I try not to hate movies. In fact, some would argue that I am sometimes too soft on movies.  And I agree with that statement. Sometimes, I give movies that don’t deserve fair treatment a fair treatment.  This is not one of those times.  I am going to warn you That Grosse Pointe Review Blog readers, the review you are about to read is the harshest review of a film that I have ever given. This review is going to make my review of “Freddy Got Fingered” look like child’s play.  In short: I am about to tear this “film” and it’s “film-makers” apart.

Directed by the spawns of Satan known as Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer, the evil masterminds who created such cinematic gems as “Disaster Movie” and “Meet the Spartans”, “The Starving Games” is the latest attempt by the governments of the world to dumb down the masses.  According to the wizards at IMDB, this cinematic turd is based on the ever-popular Hunger Games series that tells the “story ” of Kantmiss Evershot, who must fight for her life in the 75th annual Starving Games, where she could also win an old ham, a coupon for a foot-long sub, and a partially eaten pickle.  I am amazed that they managed to even find a plot.

There are so many things that are wrong with this movie that I don’t even know where to begin. The acting, even for a parody, is so bad that even Tommy Wiseau would be embarrassed to be in this film. The actors in the film barely even resemble the characters they are supposed to be spoofing.  That’s bad enough as it is, but this is especially prominent during one of the film’s many unnecessary pop culture references, where the actors and the costumes in the film look like costumes that someone bought at a discount store.  I’d be less judgmental about this, but this film cost over 4 million dollars to make, the least you could have done is to get decent costumes and people who actually somewhat resemble the people you are “mocking”. I am pretty sure that I have seen Halloween costumes that are better looking than the costumes in this film.

However, the acting and costumes are the least of this film’s problems. Despite bad costumes and terrible acting, genuinely funny comedy can save a film. The humor in this film is neither genuine or funny.This film is less than 90 minutes long, and yet it feels like hours while watching it.  In fact, I would call this film the most painfully unfunny comedy that I have seen in a long time. The “jokes” in this film mainly consist of extremely outdated pop culture references, infantile body humor, and jokes that even the most immature twelve year old would hate.  I’ll admit that I usually have a fairly liberal sense of humor.  I enjoy all types of comedies, from the Jackass films to intellectual type comedies that most people typically don’t enjoy. Having said that, I can personally assure you that this is the worst comedy I have seen in my short time of being a film critic, and I saw Movie 43.

But my biggest issue with the films that Seltzer and Friedberg crap out on a regular basis is the fact that they keep getting made. This is the 6th film that they have made, with at least two more films on the way, according to IMDB.  Studios and the regular paying public still give these charlatans, these evil destroyers of cinema and comedy, money to make these terrible movies.  People give up their hard-earned cash to watch these guys make movies that are actually worse than the film they are parodying (I’m looking at you, Vampires Suck). Why is this happening? Why does Hollywood allow these films to be made?

The truth is, the film studios that fund these movies think that the average movie-goer is as stupid as the jokes in this film. And given the box-office receipts for their previous films, they seem to be getting  increasingly right in their assumption. In the words of the great Korey Coleman from Spill.com, “The films that these two directors make are so blatant at being nothing more than a juvenile finger pointing at an image or mention of a popular trend that, to me, they seem exploitive of a young culture raised to have an ever-decreasing attention span, thanks to the Internet and channel surfing and, this may sound a little crazy, but, I think it shows a slight de-evolution in what people will accept as entertainment.”

When I read that quote, my heart sank. As someone who is a member of that culture, I feel that people who are in my age group’s lack of understanding and appreciation for cinema that is older then ourselves are being exploited by these filmmakers who clearly don’t care about cinema or comedy.  And while this doesn’t speak for everyone in my generation, I am genuinely disturbed by the fact that there are people in the world who would rather watch the crap that these two make than the works of extremely talented comedic filmmakers like Mel Brooks, John Landis, Kevin Smith, Albert Brooks, The Zucker Brothers, and so on.

With that in mind, I have a favor to ask of everyone who reads this article. Do not watch this or any of the other crappy films that these two idiots have made. If you value or care at all about comedic cinema or cinema in generally, please do not watch these films. It’s obvious that they don’t care about pleasing an audience or making a film that is actually funny, so respond to their apathy with your apathy. The less money these films make, the better. Instead of watching these films, watch “Blazing Saddles” or “Airplane” and watch the work of people who actually know how to parody movies.  Teach these filmmakers and the studios who back their projects that you are sick and tired of being treated like crap and that you want films that seek to improve comedic cinema and not films that hurt it.  And I especially want my generation to teach them that our generation values comedy that is actually funny. If we do this, maybe our world won’t end up like the one seen in “Idiocracy.”

In conclusion, I really hated “The Starving Games” with a burning passion.  But to accurately sum up my feelings about this film and to give it a rating, I will need to borrow the words of a film that I love.

“I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.”

Until next time,

Liam S. O’Connor,

That Grosse Pointe Review Blog.